Chapter I: The Past Is Not an Excuse
People say they want to change. But what most people want is not change but relief.
And the safest place to find relief is in the past.
The past is not questioned. The past does not object. The past does not ask about today's choices.
That is why people cling to the past. To trauma. To childhood. To what has been experienced.
At first glance, the phrase “They made me this way” seems like an explanation. But most of the time, it is a stopping point.
This section shifts that stopping point.
Here, the past will not be denied. But it will not be sanctified either
Trauma will not be belittled. But it will not be put in the driver's seat either.
Anger will not be suppressed. But it will not be whitewashed.
Only one thing will be done in this section: The past will be put in its place.
Because as long as the “past” does not stay where it belongs, the “present” cannot begin.
And a life that does not begin now will never begin.
Why Can People Change?
People can change. This is not a wishful statement. It is not a motivational phrase. It is a fundamental truth of individual psychology. But most people misunderstand it.
People can change, not because there is some hidden potential within them waiting to be discovered.
People can change because they don't have to be who they are right now.
According to Adler, people are not products of their past. People are the result of the goals they pursue.
That's why most people who say, “I can't change,” aren't actually lying. But they aren't telling the truth either.
What they are essentially saying is:
“The way I am right now suits me.”
Because change is dangerous. If you change, you have nowhere left to hide. If you change, you can no longer use the past as an excuse. If you change, you become responsible for your actions rather than what happens to you.
That's why people don't change. Not because they can't, but because they don't want to pay the price.
The phrase “This is who I am” is not an observation. It's a decision.
And most people make this decision very early on. As a child, in the family, at school, at the first rejection, the first failure, the first embarrassment.
It works at that moment.
- It reduces responsibility.
- It lowers expectations.
- It postpones accountability.
Over time, it becomes a habit. Then an identity. Finally, it is mistaken for character.
But according to Adler, character is not fixed. Character is the result of repeated choices.
Human behavior is not random. Human behavior is purposeful.
What happens to us does not shape us. The meaning and direction we give to it today shapes us.
Consider two people raised in the same family. Same conditions. Same traumas. Same opportunities.
One says, “That's why I am this way.” The other says, “That's why I will be different.” What happened is the same. But the chosen direction is different.
Past it
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Change is not erasing the past. In the Adlerian view, change is altering the relationship with the past.
The problem is not what you have experienced. The problem is what purpose you use them for today.
The past is either a teacher or an excuse.
And people can change because they can change the story they tell themselves.
When the story changes, the purpose changes. When the purpose changes, life changes. Change does not begin in the past. Change begins now.
Trauma Is a Lie about Life
Trauma is real. But trauma is not a force that controls your life.
Today, trauma has become the explanation for everything.
Why are you unhappy? Trauma.
Why can't you form relationships? Trauma.
Why don't you take responsibility? Trauma.
This is not healing. This is a lie about life.
According to Adler, humans are not beings dragged along by their past. Humans are beings moving toward their purpose. The past does not push us. The future pulls us.
What makes trauma fate is not what happened, but the purpose you give it today.
Trauma is what happens to you. The lie of life is this: “Because of this, I can no longer be any other way.” This sentence does not tell the truth. This sentence tells of escape.
From an Adlerian perspective, the past provides explanation but not reason. The reason is always in the present.
People are not this way because of their past. People are this way because they choose to remain this way today.
This is an uncomfortable idea. Because it does not provide comfort. Because it leaves no room for blame.
Clinging to trauma is often an unconscious choice.
Because trauma:
- Lowers expectations.
- Postpones responsibility.
Delays accountability.
But there is a price. Life stops.
Rejecting trauma is not denying the past. Rejecting trauma is removing the past from the driver's seat.
What happened has happened. But what happens today is chosen today.
It's easy to say, “Live in the moment.” But that's not what Adler says. Adler says: Life is lived now because decisions are made now.
What you do now is not determined by the past. What you do now is determined by the story you tell yourself. And when the story changes, life changes.
Trauma is not a reality that stops you. What stops you is putting trauma at the center of your life. That is why trauma is not destiny. Trauma is a lie about life that must be let go.
Anger Is Created by People
Anger does not just happen. Anger is produced. This sentence may seem disturbing at first. Because we usually describe anger like this:
“I got angry.”
“He really pissed me off.”
“I couldn't take it anymore.”
As if anger came from outside and settled inside us. According to Adler, this is not true. People do not get angry. People choose anger. This does not mean that anger is fake. But it also does not mean that it is without reason.
Why do people get angry? Because anger works. Anger is often more of a tool than an emotion.
People use anger to get that feeling they want when they can't achieve something. What is that feeling?
- To control
- To prevail
- To silence
- To direct
Anger is an attempt to gain power.
Purpose
People use anger to get that feeling they want when they can't achieve something. What is that feeling?
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Think of a couple. One is yelling at the other. Voices are raised, and words become harsh. What appears on the surface is “They got very angry.” But what is really happening is this: What they said was not listened to. What they wanted was not accepted. Control was lost. And when control is lost, anger kicks in. Because yelling is more powerful than talking. Intimidation is faster than persuasion. That's why anger is chosen.
The trauma narrative comes into play here:
“I am this way because I have trauma.”
“I am angry because I have been through a lot.”
“They made me this way.”
These statements sound like explanations. But most of the time, they only produce justification.
The trauma narrative does the following:
- It legitimizes anger.
- It makes behavior unquestionable.
- It normalizes power struggles.
Now it's not about solving the problem; it's about being right.
Another example
Think of an employee who is constantly angry with their boss. Anger builds up inside. Their voice rises in meetings, and the snide remarks begin.
“I'm angry because I feel worthless.” This may be true. But this is not the cause of the anger.
The real reason is this: The person has not been able to express themselves. They have not been able to set boundaries. And they resort to anger to compensate for this.
So anger is not a sign of weakness but of not finding another way. People don't yell because they're angry. They get angry because they want to yell. This sentence changes a lot. Because here, responsibility returns. Now you have to say, “I chose this.” This is uncomfortable. But it is liberating.
When does anger subside?
Anger subsides when the power struggle ends. That is:
- When you stop trying to control it
- When you don't have to prove yourself right
- When you don't have to defeat the other person
Anger loses its purpose. That's why the issue isn't suppressing anger. The issue is seeing why you need it.
As long as the trauma narrative continues, anger persists. Because the trauma narrative says, “This is who I am; I don’t need to change.”
Adler, on the other hand, says, “If behavior has a purpose, it can be changed.”
Anger is not destiny. Anger is a choice. And where there is choice, there is change.
Life Begins Here and Now
People always look for life in the wrong place. In the past or the future.
“When I get a little better...”
“When this happens...”
“When I get through this...”
Life is always postponed. But life isn't there. Life is here. And life begins now.
According to Adler, what defines a person is not what they have experienced, but what they choose to do right now.
The past cannot be changed. The future is uncertain. But the present is the only place you can act. That is why responsibility always concerns the present.
People define themselves by looking at the past:
“I experienced these things.”
“I grew up like this.”
“These things were done to me.”
All of these may be true. But these statements do not start life. They only explain it.
Life moves forward not with explanations, but with decisions.
Living in the here and now is not chasing moments. It is not chasing pleasure. Living in the here and now is this: not carrying what happened to you into today. Where Adler says “now” is where responsibility begins.
Right now:
- What are you doing?
- What are you not doing?
- What are you putting off?
- What are you burdening others with?
Life flows right within these questions. The moment a person says, “I am this way because of my past,”
They lock their life in the past. The moment a person says, “What can I do right now?” they start their life. The difference between these two sentences is the difference between fate and choice.
Getting to the present is not easy. Because when you get to the present, there is nowhere left to hide. The past cannot be blamed. The future cannot be imagined. There is only you and your decision. That is why people are afraid to get to the present. But freedom also begins right here.
Taking responsibility for life is not about being perfect. It is not about feeling right. Taking responsibility for life is being able to say this sentence:
Closest approach
“My past has affected me. But today, I choose what I will do.”
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It's easy to say, “Live in the moment.” But that's not what Adler says. Adler says: Life is lived now because decisions are made now.
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This is where life truly begins. Here. And now.
Life Begins Where Excuses End
In this section, we said one thing. But we said it from different places.
Does the past define you? No.
Does trauma control you? No.
Is anger an uncontrollable explosion? No.
Here's what happens: People choose to live by attributing their present choices to the past. This choice is often unconscious. But the results are real.
The past provides explanation. But it does not pass judgment. Trauma is experienced. But it does not define identity. Anger is felt. But it does not determine destiny.
This is where the harshness of the Adlerian perspective lies. It does not comfort people. But it liberates them. Because it says, “What you do today has a purpose.” And if there is a purpose, that purpose can be changed.
At this point, there are two paths. The first:
Keep the past at the center.
Make trauma your identity.
Carry anger like a shield of righteousness.
And forgiving yourself for not changing.
The second:
Putting the past in its place.
Seeing trauma as an explanation but not making it the ruler.
Realizing what anger is good for.
And no longer needing it.
The first path is familiar. That's why it's crowded. The second path is uncomfortable. That's why it's liberating.
Life doesn't begin when you come to terms with the past. Life begins when the excuses end. And when the excuses end, only one question remains: “What am I doing right now?” This book won't let you run away from that question. Because saving yourself is not about fixing the past. Saving yourself is about owning the present.