Chapter IV: Approval Dependency

You think you've left the race. But the real problem lurks in a more insidious place. The race often doesn't start with money. It doesn't start with success. It starts with a glance. Someone's facial expression. Someone's “well done.” Someone's silence. Someone taking you seriously, or not.

People often don't compete to win. They compete to be liked. And once being liked takes center stage in your life, you no longer control your life. Because you no longer make the decisions. The audience in your head makes the decisions.

What do you wear? What do you say? What do you share, and what do you keep to yourself? What do you say “yes” to, and what do you say “no” to?

It looks like your own life. But it's actually a performance.

This is one of Adler's harshest points: Relationships are either based on equality or on approval. There is no freedom in a relationship based on approval.

CHAPTER IV explains how approval turns into dependency and how it distances people from their own lives.

Why is Approval So Powerful?

Approval is powerful because it touches a primal place. The human need to be seen.

Humans don't just want to survive. They want to be noticed. They want their existence to be acknowledged. This need is not pathological. It is part of being human. The problem begins when being seen and being valued are confused.

Where Does the Need to Be Seen Come From?

Humans come into the world incomplete. Small, needy, and dependent on others.

According to Adler, this feeling of inadequacy is the primary driving force in humans. A child cannot say “I exist” on their own. They need someone's gaze, voice, and reaction. That is why children seek the following: – Am I being noticed?

• Am I being heard?
• Am I being taken seriously?

This is healthy. But at some point, this need can shift. Being seen ceases to be a need and becomes the center of life. This is where approval dependency begins.

What is Approval Good For?

Approval is quick. It doesn't make you think. It instantly answers a silent question: “Am I good enough?”

Someone's approval silences that question for the moment. A message. A like. A “well done.” A smile.

People feel relieved. But this relief is not permanent. Because the answer came from outside. And every answer that comes from outside must be asked again.

That's why approval is powerful. Because it's easy. But for the same reason, it creates dependency.

The Difference Between Value and Being Liked

Being liked comes from outside. Value is felt inside. But this difference is not clear. Because value is silent. Value does not shout. It does not prove itself. It does not show itself.

Being liked, on the other hand, is visible. It can be counted. It can be measured. The human mind clings to what is visible, not what is silent.

That is why many people do this without realizing it: they substitute the feeling of value with being liked.

“They love me.”

“I am appreciated.”

“I am approved.”

It feels good for a while. But then the emptiness returns. Because being liked is not a value in itself. It is only its shadow.

When Does Approval Become Dangerous?

Approval becomes dangerous when it ceases to be a need and becomes decisive in decision-making.

That is, when these questions arise:

• Do I really want this, or am I doing it to get approval?
• How will they see me if I say this?
• Will I fall out of favor if I don't do this?

At this point, your life begins to be governed by external reactions rather than your own choices.

Adler is very clear here: When a person begins to live by shaping themselves according to others' opinions, they abandon their life task. And every abandoned life task is replaced by performance.

A Small Example

Think of someone. They constantly try to appear “good.” They don't break down. They don't object. They get along with everyone. From the outside, they seem strong. But inside, they constantly think, “If I do something wrong, will I lose this love I see?”

This person is not unloved. But they are dependent on love. Because love has ceased to be an unconditional bond and has become a reward tied to behavior. At this point, approval does not satisfy the person's need to be seen. It enslaves them.

This Is Where the Adlerian Line Becomes Clear

According to Adler, healthy relationships are based on equality, not approval. There is approval in equality. But it does not dictate. If approval comes, you feel good. If it doesn't, you don't fall apart. Because your value does not depend on someone else's reaction.

Approval dependency, on the other hand, says, “I only exist as long as I am approved.” This sentence is silent. But it governs life. That is why approval is powerful. Because it is visible. Because it is fast. Because it is comforting. But precisely for this reason, it is dangerous. Because it slowly pushes people outside their own lives.

How Does the Desire for Acceptance End Freedom?

Being accepted is a beautiful thing. But at some point, it comes at a high price.

Because when the desire for acceptance takes center stage in life, freedom quietly retreats. People don't notice it right away. No chains are put on. No doors are closed. Only small adjustments are made.

The Audience in Your Head

At some point, people start watching themselves as they live their lives. They pay attention to what they say. They control how they look. They weigh their reactions. Their inner voice recedes. Another voice takes its place:

“What will they say if I do this?”

“How will they see me if I say this?”

“Will I be misunderstood?”

This voice is the spectator in your head. The spectator isn't real. But it's effective. Because people live a life with spectators. Not for themselves, but to be watched.

Reflection

“What will they say if I do this?”

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According to Adler, a critical break occurs here: people cease to be the subjects of their own lives and become objects. They no longer live. They perform.

How is a Performance Life Constructed?

A performance life does not emerge in a day. It begins with small compromises.

• You say “okay” even though you don't want something.
• You remain silent in a situation that hurts you.
• You soften your true opinion.
• You make yourself more acceptable.

None of these seem like big mistakes. They are even considered mature. But these adjustments accumulate over time.

After a while, you realize that it is no longer clear which decisions are truly yours and which were made to be accepted. This is performance life. It is not the content of life that matters, but its presentation.

The Price of Performance

The first price of performance is exhaustion. Because you have to keep doing something that isn't human. The second price is losing yourself. Because you forget what you love, what you don't want, and what you can't tolerate. But the heaviest price is this: the loss of freedom.

Freedom is not doing what you want. Freedom is being able to say no to what you don't want. This is not possible in a life of performance. Because if you say no, the applause may stop.

The Unspoken Rule of Acceptance

There is an unwritten rule for acceptance: it is conditional. You are loved, but... You are approved, but... You are liked, but... As these “buts” multiply, life becomes narrower.

Adler is very clear here: conditional acceptance does not create an equal relationship. Without equality, there is no freedom. Because one evaluates, the other conforms.

A Small Example

Think of someone. Everyone knows them as a “very good person.” They never hurt anyone. They consider everyone. They never cause trouble. But when they are alone, they think to themselves, “If they really knew me, would they still love me?”

This is not the question of a free person. This is the question of a person who performs. Because love is tied to performance, not recognition.

Where Is The Adlerian Solution?

According to Adler, freedom does not mean completely giving up approval. This is not possible either. Freedom is this: Approval ceasing to be a guiding force. That is:

• If approval comes, you are happy.
• If it doesn't come, you don't change direction.

Because your direction comes from responsibility, not from the audience. The desire for acceptance destroys freedom because it makes people live by reactions. But people who live by reactions cannot build their own lives. People who cannot build their own lives eventually wander through their own lives like guests.

Why Aren't Other People's Expectations Your Responsibility?

People often confuse two things: taking responsibility and taking on a burden. Other people's expectations usually come in the guise of “good intentions.”

From family.

From relationships.

From work.

From society.

And without realizing it, people do this: they start adjusting their own lives to suit others' comfort.

Adler makes a very clear distinction here. And this distinction is one of the sharpest lines that simplifies life: the distinction of responsibility.

What Does “Distinction of Responsibility” Mean in Adler?

According to Adler, every person has their own responsibilities in life. And when these responsibilities get mixed up, relationships break down. There is a simple way to understand whose responsibility a behavior is: Who will experience the consequences of this behavior?

• If the consequences belong to me, then the responsibility is mine.
• If the consequences belong to someone else, then the responsibility is not mine.

It's that simple. But this simplicity is uncomfortable. Because most people live by taking on the responsibilities of others.

Where Do You End, and Where Does Someone Else Begin?

Consider an example. Your family expects a certain life from you. A certain job. A certain routine. A certain “normal.”

What happens when you don't live up to that expectation? They experience disappointment. Whose responsibility is that disappointment?

Adler's answer is clear: theirs. Your responsibility is to live your own life. Their responsibility is to deal with how they feel about your life. But most people can't stop there.

“Don't let them be sad.”

“Don't let them be disappointed.”

“Don't let them misunderstand me.”

This is exactly where responsibilities get mixed up. You stop living your own life and try to manage other people's feelings. And this creates invisible bondage.

Why Do Expectations Feel So Heavy?

Because expectations often carry the message, “I will love you if you are like this.”

This is not explicitly stated. But it is felt. At this point, a person makes a choice: either be themselves or be accepted.

This choice is difficult for someone with approval dependency. Because being accepted feels safer than being yourself. But there is a price. When you live your life according to someone else's expectations, two things happen:

• The decision appears to be yours, but it isn't.
• The responsibility remains yours, but the direction is not.

This splits a person from within.

The “But I Am Responsible” Fallacy

Many people say, “I don't shy away from responsibility.” That may be true. But often what happens is this: People carry someone else's expectations, not their own responsibility. That is not responsibility. That is burdening oneself.

Adler draws this distinction very clearly.

Responsibility:

• Taking ownership of the consequences of your own decisions.

Shouldering the burden, on the other hand:

• Taking ownership of the consequences of someone else's feelings.

The two are not the same. And the latter silently consumes a person.

A Small But Clear Example

Think about a relationship. The other person constantly expects something from you. For you to be more attentive. More accommodating. More “understanding.” And you do it. But deep down, you feel drained. Why?

Because you're not trying to maintain the relationship. You're trying to manage the other person's satisfaction. That's not your job. Your job is

• To say what you want.
• To honestly express what you don't want.

The other person's job is

• To deal with how they feel about it.

When the roles are reversed, the relationship breaks down.

Where Does Guilt Come From?

When you start distinguishing roles, the first emotion that arises is guilt. This is perfectly normal. Because for years you have learned, “If others are upset, you must be doing something wrong.”

According to Adler, this is not true. Other people's unhappiness is not proof that you are doing something wrong. It is simply a sign that their expectations have not been met. And unmet expectations are a natural part of life.

What Does Separation of Duties Achieve?

When you separate duties:

• Guilt decreases.
• Clarity increases.
• Relationships become simpler.

Most importantly, your own life returns. When you stop carrying the expectations of others, you don't abandon them. You simply say, “This life belongs to me.”

Cargo

There is a simple way to understand whose responsibility a behavior is: Who will experience the consequences of this behavior?

“Don't let them be sad.”“Don't let them be disappointed.”“Don't let them misunderstand me.”To say what you want.To honestly express what you don't want.

Keep mineReturn to owner

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In the Adlerian view, freedom begins right here. Not when you reject others' expectations, but when you remove them from being your responsibility.

The Disease of Trying to Please Everyone

People who try to please everyone are generally not malicious. Quite the opposite. They are kind. They are thoughtful. They are compliant. And that's why they go unnoticed for a long time. But in the Adlerian view, this is not a virtue; it is a form of avoidance.

The “Good Boy” / “Good Girl” Trap

Being a good child works when you are young. You obey the rules. You don't cause trouble. You are loved. But when this role carries over into adulthood, it narrows your life.

The good child learns:

• If I conform, I will be accepted.
• If I object, I will lose love.
• If I cause trouble, I will be excluded.

This learning isn't conscious. But it's powerful. Years later, they become an adult. They have a job. They have relationships. They have a life. But deep down, they still ask, “Will they love me if I do this?” This is the good boy/good girl trap. Love is tied to behavior. And love tied to behavior doesn't produce freedom.

Why Do We Try to Please Everyone?

Because pleasing others is the shortest route to avoiding conflict.

Saying no is difficult. Objecting is difficult. Creating disappointment is difficult. But keeping quiet is easy. Complying is easy. Withdrawing is easy.

According to Adler, people develop lifestyles to avoid discomfort. Trying to please everyone is one such style. But it comes at a price.

How Does Resentment Build Up?

At first, people who try to please everyone don't have any problems. Because those around them are satisfied. But something happens inside. Unspoken words accumulate. Things that shouldn't be done are done. Unwanted burdens are carried. And people start to say, “No one cares about me.” This sentence is very familiar. But it is usually incomplete. Because most of the time, the truth is this: no one can set boundaries for you.

Resentment arises more from what you don't say than from what someone else does. And unless you speak up, resentment grows silently.

Silent Anger

People who try to please everyone appear angerless. But the anger does not disappear. It changes form.

• Passive-aggressive behavior
• Withdrawal
• Seeking attention
• Inner contempt

These behaviors are often mistaken for “character.” Yet they are byproducts of accumulated resentment.

The Adlerian perspective is harsh here: People pay for the “no” they didn't say with anger.

The “But I Mean Well” Fallacy

Good intentions don't always lead to healthy behavior. Trying to please everyone often conveys this message: “For me to exist, you need to be happy.”

This is not love. This is approval dependency. And approval dependency takes relationships away from equality. One side adapts. The other side gets used to it. Then the roles become fixed.

What Does Adler Say Here?

According to Adler, healthy relationships are based on cooperation, not sacrifice.

Sacrifice is one-sided. Cooperation is mutual. People who try to please everyone don't cooperate. They erase themselves. And no one can have a real relationship with someone who has been erased.

Where Does the Exit Begin?

Stopping trying to please everyone is not suddenly becoming selfish. This book does not say that. This book says, "You cannot be a good person by ignoring your own needs."

The first step is this: Don't stay silent when you're hurt. Speak up when you don't want to. Be able to feel guilty when you say no. These steps seem small. But their impact is huge. Because if hurt feelings don't accumulate, anger doesn't accumulate either. And if anger doesn't accumulate, the relationship doesn't become toxic.

When you stop trying to please everyone, not everyone may love you. But those who love you will love the real you for the first time.

Why Does Setting Boundaries Make You Feel Guilty?

Many people can't set boundaries, not because they have bad intentions. They can't set boundaries because they feel guilty. When they say “no,” they feel constricted. Their heart races. They feel the need to explain themselves. And usually, this sentence comes up: “Am I being selfish?” This question seems innocent. But it controls people.

People Managed by Guilt

Guilt is a powerful emotion. Because it appears moral. When people feel guilty, they think, “I'm doing something wrong.” But the Adlerian perspective stops here and asks: Is it really wrong, or just unfamiliar?

Many people back down because they feel guilty. But this guilt comes not from conscience but from a learned role. It is learned as a child.

• “Don't upset them.”
• “It's shameful.”
• “It's not appropriate for us.”
• “If you do that, you won't be loved.”

These phrases don't explicitly forbid setting boundaries. But they teach this: Someone else's discomfort is your responsibility. For someone raised with this belief, setting boundaries naturally produces guilt. Because boundaries make someone uncomfortable. And discomfort = guilt.

Where Does Guilt Not Come From?

There's an important distinction. Guilt isn't always conscience. Sometimes it's just habit.

According to Adler, people choose behaviors to avoid discomfort. Guilt is one such discomfort. And most people avoid setting boundaries to avoid feeling guilty. So the choice is:

• Short-term comfort
• Long-term exhaustion

People ruled by guilt pay the following prices:

• They constantly justify themselves.
• Lives saying, “Actually, I don't want to, but...”
• Bottles up resentment.
• Recognizes anger too late.

And then says, “No one cares about me.” Yet most of the time, the truth is you haven't shown anyone your boundaries.

The Muscle of Saying “No”

Saying “no” is not a character trait.

It is a muscle. And this muscle weakens if it is not used.

The first “no” is the hardest. Because the feeling of guilt is at its peak. The second ‘no’ is still difficult. But it is clearer. After the third “no,” something happens: The feeling of guilt diminishes. Clarity increases. Because the mind learns, “I said no, and the world didn't end.”

No

But the Adlerian perspective stops here and asks: Is it really wrong, or just unfamiliar?

GUILT · WRONG?

Their heart races.

After the third “no,” something happens: The feeling of guilt diminishes. Clarity increases.

No

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According to Adler, people change not through insight, but through experience. You can't learn to set boundaries by thinking about it. You learn by setting them.

A Small Example

Think of someone. They go whenever they are called. They help whenever they are asked. They change their plans. At first, they seem like a “good person.” But over time, they become exhausted. One day, when they say, “I can't come today,” they feel guilty. Why? Because for years, they have been sending the message, “I am always here.” Now they have broken that message. And the mind perceives this as a threat. But the truth is: This is not a threat. This is balance.

This Is Where The Adlerian Line Becomes Clear

According to Adler, setting boundaries is not about punishing the other person. Setting boundaries means, “This is my responsibility; that is yours.”

When this distinction is made, guilt begins to lose its meaning. Because you are no longer harming anyone. You are simply protecting your own space. And people who do not protect their own space cannot have healthy relationships with anyone.

When Does Guilt Decrease?

Guilt decreases not when you stop setting boundaries, but when you get used to setting them. At first, you feel guilty. But then you realize:

• You get hurt less.
• You speak more clearly.
• You explode less.

And relationships become less dramatic and more real. An important reminder at this point: Setting boundaries does not make you selfish. Not setting boundaries makes you invisible. And the invisible person eventually becomes visible through anger.

Living for Approval: Respect or Begging?

Approval and respect are often confused. Because they look similar from the outside. Both produce a “positive reaction.” Both make you feel good. But their origins are different. And so are their costs. Approval is given. Respect is earned. But earning it doesn't mean selling yourself to someone.

Being Loved Without Selling Yourself

People who live for approval do this: They adjust themselves.

• They talk less.
• They act more gently.
• They become more acceptable.
• They cause less discomfort.

These adjustments seem small. But over time, they turn into something: self-sacrifice. Without realizing it, people learn, “They love me this way.” But this love is not for you; it is for the version of yourself you present.

That's why living for approval is exhausting. Because you constantly have to protect something: your image. And protecting your image is not building a relationship. It's bargaining.

The Adlerian perspective is clear here: Love gained by selling yourself does not empower you. It makes you dependent.

Why Is Respect Quieter?

Respect doesn't shout. It doesn't come as quickly as approval. Sometimes it isn't said at all. But it does something: it recognizes boundaries.

Someone who respects you:

• Doesn't expect you to agree with everything they want.
• Doesn't demand that you conform to everything.
• Doesn't dismiss what bothers you.

Because respect is based on taking you seriously, not changing you. Approval, on the other hand, wants this: “Don't bother me.”

That's why approval thrives on conformity. Respect thrives on clarity.

The Price of Saying “This Is Who I Am”

Saying “This is who I am” is not a romantic slogan. It comes at a price.

• Some people won't like you.
• Some will distance themselves.
• Some will be disappointed.

But at the same time, something happens: life becomes simpler. Because not everyone loves you anymore. But those who love you love the real you.

According to Adler, courage begins right here. The courage to stop seeking everyone's love. Without this courage, there is no freedom.

Why Does Approval Feel Like Respect?

Because approval initially provides this: Tension decreases. You don't clash with anyone. You don't disappoint anyone. There is silence. But this silence is not peace. This silence is the silence of withdrawal.

Respect, on the other hand, can be noisy. Because clarity is uncomfortable. But clarity is permanent.

A Small Comparison

The person who lives for approval asks, “Do they like me?” The person who lives for respect asks, “Is this mine?”

The first measures the outside. The second looks inside. And this difference is decisive in every area of life.

Adler's Quiet but Powerful Statement

Adler says, "When a person begins to live in the eyes of others, they abandon their life's purpose."

Approval is a false reward that replaces life's purpose. It is temporary. It creates dependency. And it keeps you where you are.

Respect, however, comes as a byproduct of fulfilling life's purpose.

That is the difference.

One Last Reminder

This book is not telling you, “Don't care about anyone.” This book is saying, "Don't try to be loved without caring about yourself." Because it is possible to be loved without selling yourself. But for this, you must be willing to risk something: not being liked. And without this courage, there can be no freedom, no real relationship.

Risking Not Being Liked

Not being liked is often described as a minor thing. “So what, does everyone have to like you?” But in practice, it's not like that. Not being liked touches on one of humanity's oldest fears: being excluded.

Where Does the Fear of Rejection Come From?

Humans cannot survive alone. This is a biological fact.

According to Adler, humans gain meaning within a community. Therefore, rejection is not just a social situation; it feels like an existential threat.

This is very clear when we are young. If you are not loved, you are not protected. If you are not accepted, you are left alone. This memory continues to work in adulthood. Your survival is no longer threatened. But the mind cannot distinguish this. The possibility of being excluded from a group is perceived as a physical danger. That is why people do the following:

• They remain silent.
• They conform.
• They diminish themselves.

Just to avoid being excluded.

Why Is Not Being Liked So Difficult?

Because not being liked triggers the question, “Am I wrong?”

When people are not liked, they often don't think, “This doesn't suit me.” They think, “So there must be something wrong with me.” This is a heavy burden. That's why many people prefer to be loved in the wrong place to not be loved in the right place. But there is a price to pay.

The Difference between Loneliness and Being Able to Be Alone

There is a critical distinction here. Loneliness is being disconnected against one's will. Being able to be alone is being in touch with oneself.

People who are approval-dependent cannot be alone. Because when they are alone, the voice of approval is silenced. And silence begins. In this silence, the following questions arise:

• Who am I?
• What do I want?
• What can't I tolerate?

These questions are uncomfortable. Because there is no escape. But according to Adler, maturity begins right here. People become free to the extent that they can be alone.

Saying “Not Everyone Has to Love Me”

At first glance, this sentence seems simple. But it actually requires the following:

• Some doors to close
• Some relationships to end
• Some people misunderstand you.

People who can't face this constantly adjust themselves. And people who adjust themselves can never fully exist. Accepting not being liked is not pushing people away. It is not hiding yourself.

A Small but Hard Example

Think of someone. They want to express their true opinion in a setting. But they hold back.

“I'll be misunderstood.”

“I'll be seen as strange.”

“They'll exclude me.”

And they remain silent.

At that moment, something is lost. Not the connection. Themselves. Because real connection is not built on false harmony.

Adlerian Truth Gets Tough Here

According to Adler, people don't have to be accepted by everyone. That's not even possible. But people have to take responsibility for their own lives. And that responsibility sometimes requires this: being misunderstood. People who can't risk being misunderstood can't form their own sentences. People who can't form their own sentences live someone else's life.

What Does Being Able to Be Alone Provide?

A person who can be alone:

• Thinks more clearly.
• Is less swayed.
• Seeks less approval.

Because they are in touch with themselves. This contact does not make a person arrogant. On the contrary, it simplifies them. They no longer have to win everyone over. They just want to stand in the right place.

One Last Reminder

Choosing to risk not being liked is not the same as choosing to be alone. The truth is this: When you risk not being liked, for the first time, the possibility of truly connecting with someone arises. Because that connection is built not on a mask, but on authenticity. And authenticity is not loved by everyone. But when it is loved, it becomes real.

Far side

But those who love you love the real you.

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What Remains When You Step Out of Approval?

When you step out of approval, the first thing that comes is not happiness. Nor is it relief. The first thing that comes is emptiness. Because approval is not just a feeling. It is a tool for finding direction. When it goes, the compass is confused for a while. But this emptiness is not bad. This emptiness is the space that truly belongs to you for the first time.

Space

This emptiness is the space that truly belongs to you for the first time.

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Clarity

When you step out of approval, you realize this: you don't want many things. You now look at things you used to say “yes” to with distance. Situations you used to tolerate now feel heavy. This is not selectivity. This is clarity.

Clarity comes from asking these questions:

• What am I?
• What am I not?
• What do I carry?
• What do I not carry?

When approval is present, these questions are not asked. Because the answers are shaped by others. When you step out of approval, the answers slowly emerge. And these answers may not please everyone. But for the first time, they are real.

Equality

Approval relationships are vertical. One evaluates. The other conforms. When approval is withdrawn, this verticality is disrupted. No one watches you “from above” anymore. You don't look down on anyone either.

Adler's idea of equality is embodied right here. Equality does not mean everyone is the same. It does not mean everyone thinks the same. Equality means this: No one controls anyone else.

When approval is removed:

• Defensiveness diminishes.
• Justification becomes unnecessary.
• Power struggles begin to fade.

Because there is no competition in equality. If there is no competition, there is no mask.

Real Relationships

Relationships built on approval are fast. They seem problem-free. But they are superficial. Real relationships are slow. Sometimes they are uncomfortable. Sometimes they involve conflict. But they are alive.

When approval is gone, you lose your connection with everyone. But the connections that remain change. You realize this: Some people didn't love you; they loved the role you assigned them.

This hurts. But it cleanses. A real relationship is built with someone who doesn't try to change you. And it begins where you don't try to fix the other person either.

Things Feared When Approval Is Gone

When approval is gone, people fear the following:

• I will be alone.
• No one will want me.
• I will be excluded.

Sometimes some of these things happen. This book doesn't deny that.

But you realize something: You're not alone. You're just not in a crowd anymore.

Connection

But you realize something: You're not alone. You're just not in a crowd anymore.

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And a crowd is different from a connection.

The Final Point of Adlerianism

According to Adler, what humans need is not approval. It is a sense of belonging. Belonging does not come from self-sacrifice. It certainly does not come from self-annihilation. Belonging occurs among equals.

When you step out of approval, you approach equality for the first time. And in equality, there is no begging, no superiority, and no masks. There is only a relationship.

Leaving approval is not giving up on people. Leaving approval is this: taking yourself back. And when you take yourself back, life begins for the first time with real contact.

Leaving Approval Is Returning to Yourself

At the end of this section, remember this: Approval dependency is not “loving people.” Approval dependency is abandoning yourself and collecting reactions. And this is very insidious. Because from the outside, it looks like virtue: harmony, politeness, understanding, and self-sacrifice. But what's happening inside is this: renting out your own life.

What you really learn in this chapter is not to “not care about anyone.” Quite the opposite. What you really learn is this: caring is not the same as surrendering.

When you seek approval, the course of your life changes. Because you pretend to make decisions, but in reality, you choose the least risky option. Such a life appears orderly on the surface. But inside, it slowly destroys you. Because performance never says “enough.”

At this point, Adler's most effective weapon came into play: the division of responsibility. This motto will appear repeatedly in this book, so engrave it in your mind: Who will bear the consequences of an action? If the consequences are yours, then the responsibility is yours. If the consequences are someone else's, then the responsibility is theirs.

If you apply this logic to your life, half of your life will become simpler. If you don't, this section will remain just a good article you read. And one more thing: The guilt that comes when you set boundaries is often not a “You did wrong” alarm. It's just your brain saying, “This is new. I'm not used to it.” Not being used to it doesn't mean it's wrong.

Don't confuse approval with respect. Approval makes you “compliant.” Respect makes you “clear.” Compliance silences the relationship in the short term. Clarity makes the relationship real in the long term.

And the most painful but liberating truth of this section is this: You cannot be truly close to anyone without risking not being liked. Because closeness is not built by wearing a mask. It is built by letting go of the mask.

When you step out of approval, the first thing that comes is not happiness. The first thing that comes is emptiness. This is not bad news. That emptiness is the space that belongs to you for the first time. And there, you will ask yourself these two questions. If you forget, come back here:

1. Do I want this, or do I want approval?

2. Is this my responsibility, or am I managing someone else's feelings?

These two questions are the true compass of the “Self-Rescue Guide.” Stepping out of approval is not giving up on people. Stepping out of approval is this: taking yourself back.

Compass

1. Do I want this, or do I want approval?

2. Is this my responsibility, or am I managing someone else's feelings?

The compass holds both questions together. It requires no input.

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